


Piercings  gone wrong

by Justcrackfics



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Birthday Party, Crack, M/M, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 13:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12532396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justcrackfics/pseuds/Justcrackfics
Summary: Eren and Jean are somewhat pressured by Ymir to get a piercing to any part of their bodies she decides. At first it seems harmless but it ends up with them having to take a trip to the hospital.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy! So this is just a crack fic that I wrote based on a headcanon me and my friends were talking about. Don't take any of this seriously. I kinda suck at writing but I tried to make this funny. Enjoy!

Eren Jeager had tοo much to drink. 

He shouldn't feel bad about it, he was a grown man and this was Reiner's birthday party. Everyone was drunk out of their asses. 

Which is why he wasn't surprised when he saw that Ymir had brought her piercing gun. 

"Hey, Jeager!" she called while swinging her gun at him. "Care for a piercing?"

Eren blinked at her. Was this woman crazy?

"Uhhh.... No, thanks", he said and looked down at the cup he was holding. What was he drinking anyway?

"Come on!", Ymir insisted. "Everyone already got one! It doesn't hurt!"

He took a look around and saw Bertolt laying down crying holding his nose. Reiner was on top of him with his shirt of (and Eren noticed a double nipple piercing) patting his head. 

"Why is Bert crying then?"

"Oh his just got infected." 

"It hurts like a bitch! ", the tall drunk boy cried and Eren cringed at the thought of an infected hole in his nose. 

Getting piercings wasn't his thing but doing crazy stuff while drunk was. Stuff Mikasa defined as "dangerous", Armin classified as "questionable" and Jean just called "retarted". However his friends weren't there and his boyfriend became 10 times more affectionate with the help of alcohol. Fuck it. He's doing it. 

"Pierce me!", he exclaimed as he threw his cup across the room. 

"Excellent.", Ymir smirked. "Tell your boyfriend. I wanna pierce him too. "

"He's not my boyfriend.", Eren lied 

"Yeah yeah. Your fuckbuddy or whatever. Go get him." 

Jean was sitting on the couch next to Sasha, who was mumbling to herself, and Connie who was sleeping, holding a bucket of his own vomit. 

"Holy shit. You guys are wasted." 

"Says you.", Jean said and tried to get up without falling as he got closer to Eren. 

"Are you okay?" he whispered. 

"I'm great. I wanna do something."

"Like what?"

"Get a piercing."

Jean just squinted his eyes. "How the fuck y-"

"Ymir."

"Of course."

"What do you think?" Eren said. He wasn't the type to ask his partner's opinion on personal stuff but this seemed important. 

"I think this isn't the time or the place to get a piercing."

"We both know I wouldn't get one while sober." Eren frowned "You wouldn't either."

"Me?"

"Oh yeah. You're getting one too."

"Hell no." Jean announced and sat again. 

Eren saw Ymir motioning them to come to her form across the living room.

"Well I'm going." 

"Ugh. FINE."  
~•~

Ymir rubbed her hands in satisfaction.  
"What hole do you want?" 

"Uhhh.. Do my ear." Jean said and Ymir faked a yawn. 

"Lame!"

"Excuse you." 

"I want my nose!" Eren said and took a sip from Reiner's cup. 

"Hey!"

"Sorry. But I'll need a lot of courage for what's about to happen." The green eyed boy laughed. "Nose. Get it over with." 

"Fuck that! I'm deciding what you're getting!" 

"What?!" Both guys jumped on their seats. 

"You!" She pointed her finger to Eren. "Tongue piercing." 

"Hell yeah!" 

The freckled woman furrowed her eyebrows while staring at her next victim. A disturbing smile appeared on her face.

"Dick." she simply said 

"HUH?"

"You heard me. It doesn't hurt at all. Trust me. Ask Reiner."

"It really didn't" The blond man shrugged. 

"I'm not getting my dick pierced. Especially by you." Jean stated and went to get up. 

"It's really trendy. Trust me. All the girls want that pierced dick!" 

"Absolutely fucking not." 

"Why the fuck are you so stubborn?" Ymir folded her arms across her chest. 

"What do you mean 'why'? What would you do if someone told you to pierce your vagina?" 

"I'd tell them it's been done" she laughs. Unbelievable. 

"The difference is I'm not a weirdo like you. Or drunk enough." 

"That can be fixed." The female said. "YO HITCH! GET ME A VODKA!" she screamed over the music that has started to sound more annoying than enjoyable. 

Well then. He didn't have much of a choice, did he? 

~•~

"Get comfortable, princess." Ymir said. "Don't be so stiff I feel like I'm about to take your virginity." 

Jean rolled his eyes and Ymir laughed.  
"It'll be fine. Just count to 3,no, count to 5 and it'll be over." She assured him. "The door is closed so if you scream no one will hear you." 

"Was it necessary to take me upstairs?"

"Reiner's bedroom seems like the most suitable place to pierce a dick." Ymir shrugged while preparing her needle. "Also I don't think you would want this to happen in front of everyone." 

"Can't argue with that."

"Alright. Enough foreplay." She clapped her hands. "Just lay back and think of England and if you fall asleep, even better!"

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Honey, you're not the first dick I've pierced." The woman said impatiently. "Now take of your pants." 

~•~  
"What was that noice?" Connie said after being awaken by horrified screams. 

"Probably Jean." Sasha said and shivered. 

"What happened?"

"He goth hish penith pierthed" Eren said while holding his cheek in pain. 

"What the hell is up with you?" Hitch asked looking at the miserable look on Eren's face. 

Eren mumbled back a response as if anyone could understand what he was saying. 

"His tongue is swollen." Reiner explained. And Hitch made a "yikes" face. 

"We should go check on him." Bertolt said and motioned upstairs. 

Eren murmured something along the lines of "I'll go" and got up from his comfortable seat. He was so tired and sleepy. He wished he was at home sleeping on his bed but no. He was at Reiner's house with a newly pierced tongue and possibly a dickless boyfriend. 

He knocked the door and waited for a response. "Ymiwe?" 

"Yeah?"

"Eveweything alright?" 

"Uh... Sure?"

"How's Jean?" 

"Oh he's fine." 

"THERE'S BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY FUCKING DICK."

"THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU STOPPED MOVING!"

~•~  
This was a bad idea. Eren decided that he wouldn't pierce any part of his body ever again. 

"I'm sowey, Jean" he said for the fourth time. "I weally am." 

"It's not your fault."

"It kinda is."

"I know, I hate you" he said but he was smiling. 

This was so surreal 

3am. Reiner's bed. Turned off lights. Why the fuck was he turned on? 

"Hey." He finally said while throwing the patch of ice he's been holding against his mouth. 

"Hey." 

Everyone was long gone home or passed out on the living room. 

"You know what they say about tongue piercings?" 

Jean raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"They make blowjobs better."

"Oh do they?" 

"I guess we can't know if we don't try." Eren whispered seductively and put his hands on Jean's belt. 

"What? Right now?" 

"Yup." 

"But doesn't your tongue hurt?" 

"It feels better now." Eren unzipped his boyfriend's pants. "Consider this my apology." 

"Uhh.. I don't know about this." 

"Your boner says otherwise." Eren winked and received a slap in the back of the head. 

"Well maybe I can't help it with how hot you look while hungover." 

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." 

Eren let out a soft laugh. 

"Prepare for the best blowjob of your life."

"Oh my God. Can you not say anything?"

"Can't talk while my mouth is full, can I?"

What a dork.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir catches Eren and Jean in the "act" and her reaction is exactly what you would expect. Mikasa has to drive them to the hospital.

 

 

> The footsteps and a two familiar female voices were enough to ruin whatever atmosphere had been created

"Eren..." his grasp tightened while holding Eren's hair

"Mmm?"

"Some -ah- someone's coming."

"Mhmhhgrhh"

"Eren!" he hissed "There's someone outside the door!"

Removing Jean from his mouth wasn't usually THAT hard but he couldn't for the life of him. Like he was stuck.

The door handle moved and the door opened revealing the drunk mess of a lesbian, Ymir. And Historia.

"HOLY SHIT" the former screamed on tops of her lungs while Historia covered her eyes.

"Ymir please be quiet... "

"REINER GET YOUR ASS UP HERE." She continued ignoring her girlfriend. "THESE TWO ARE FUCKING"

"Technically it's a blow-"

"Hold up hold up." Ymir interrupted as she reached to her back pocket and grabbed her phone. "This moment needs to be captured."

"Ymir!" Historia said quietly but sharply. "Enough! Let's leave them alone."

"But babe!"

"Not a word!" she turned to Eren and Jean. "We're sorry for interrupting you,boys."

"It's okay..."

"SOMEONE PICK UP THE PHONE BECAUSE I CALLED IT!!!" Reiner screamed as he joined the girls by the doorframe.

"They don't even care. Eren is still on that dick."

"HMMMNGRHH"

"This is just weird."

"He can't...uh...separate." Jean explained as he prayed no one else would come. Thank God he was drunk or this would be ten times more awkward.

"Let me see." Ymir said and came closer.

"What are you doing!?"

"Oh calm your tits we can tell you're taken." She deadpaned and Reiner snorted.

"Hmmghhhh...."

"Thank you for the brilliant insight, Eren."

"Oh my God. I can't fucking believe this." The taller female said as she examined inside Eren's mouth.

"What is it?"

"Your piercings are tangled. This is gold!"

"Our pierc- OH FUCK EREN DON'T YOU FUCKING MOVE."

"Mmmmrghhh!"

"Can you untangle them?" Historia leaned in closer.

"I don't think so. We better drive them to the hospital." Ymir got up. "Reiner, can you drive?"

"Dude, I'm trashed. I can barely stand up. And I'm high."

"Yeah...me too."

"Historia?" Jean turned to the blond girl as a last resort. "Will you drive us?"

"Sorry but I'm not allowed to drive."

"But you have a car. And a license."

Oh well. Let's just say that it got taken away."

"Do I wanna know?"

"Baby girl is surprisingly angry on the road." Ymir said proudly.

"Hmmmmghhhh!!"

"Jesus Christ, Eren, stop crying we'll figure something out."

"We better call someone else."

_Oh God. Anyone but-_

"Mikasa!"

_Fuck_.

~•~  
Receiving a phone call at 3.30am by a bunch of drunk idiots was a first. Having to drive two of them to the hospital for getting their dicks stuck in each other's mouths was something Mikasa Ackerman never imagined she would have to go through.

There were all waiting outside on the padio when she parked outside the house. Everyone was standing up except for Jean who was sitting on the bench with a blanket covering his lap. Underneath there was something Mikasa guessed would be no other than Eren.

They saw her and got up trying to keep the blanket on Eren.

"Sup Kasa." Ymir said while opening the back seat door.

"Hi, Ymir." She said in a less playful way.

"Uh so how do we-"

"Just get in the car, Jean."

"Hmmmmrghhh."

"He says he's sorry."

Mikasa sighed.

"Apology accepted."

This was gonna be a long night.

 

~•~  
Neither of them dared to say anything or even move until Mikasa broke the silence.

"Should I even ask?" Was the first thing that came out of her mouth and Eren raised his look to face Jean.

"Hmmmgrrrhhh."

"Eren, please stop talking."

If this had happened to anyone else Jean would be laughing right now. However this was his life, his penis stuck inside his boyfriend's mouth, his high school crush driving them to the hospital.

"It's because Ymir made us pierce ourselves."

"Did she hold a gun against your head or something?" She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel

"Uh...no." Close enough though.

_Tap tap._

"Then you could have refused."

"But I-"

_Tap tap tap._

"End of conversation."

"Mmmmmghhhh."  
~•~  
The waiting room was empty except for a homeless man who was holding a can with some mysterious liquid. There were 5 seats but Jean didn't dare to sit close to Mikasa in fear of receiving a punch in the face.

Homeless man it is then.

He sat next to him trying to move as normally as he could for someone who had his dick stuck in someone's mouth. Thank God for the blanket which he kept on Eren the entire time.

Suddenly the door opened and a tall blond man appealed.

"Next!" He announced as he shot a look at the two of them.

Mikasa got up and moved towards the doctor's office.

"Can I get a hand?"

"I don't know, can you?"

"Mikasa, I'm begging you."

The girl just sighed. She had to admit they weren't completely at fault here. Plus she felt really bad.

"Okay okay. Here let me guide you."

~•~

"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor whose named tag wrote 'Erwin Smith' asked.

"Well..." Jean started explaining in his hungover state but Mikasa interrupted by pulling the blanket to reveal Eren.

"HHHHMMMMFFFF."

"Oh shut it."

Erwin raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"And how did that happen exactly?" He asked.

"Well Eren has a tongue piercing and it got...uh...stuck."

"On what?" He clicked a pen and started writing on a piece of paper.

"Um. My piercing."

"Your tongue piercing?"

"No my uh...my..."

"His dick piercing."

"Mikasa!"

The man just blinked at them.

"Excuse me for a minute." He said as he made his way to the next room.

One minute later he came back with a woman with glasses who they assumed was also a doctor.

"So what's the situation?" She said happily and then noticed the two boys sitting.

"Oh."

_Excellent idea, doc. Why don't you bring MORE people?_

"The young man's member is stuck into the other young man's mouth." Erwin said casually.

"Aha. That does appear to be the situation." The woman said. Her name tag wrote "Hange Zoe."

"I'm gonna need you to fill out these forms." She said then. "Or since you can't I'll just do it for you. Name?"

"Hmmmmrghhh."

"His name is Eren Jeager." Mikasa said. I'll fill it out for them."

"Very well." Hange agreed.

"Now tell me, you." She pointed a finger to Jean. "Are you allergic to anything?"

"Um. Not that I know of."

"And what about your boyfriend over here?"

"He's not m-" Came the automatic response after denying it for months.

"Save it!" Mikasa snapped. "He's not allergic to anything either."

"I'm asking cause we'll need to give you some medication before we separate you." She said and opened the cabinet and grabbed a small bottle and a needle.

"This will numb the pain." Erwin explained as he took the items from Hange's hands and started preparing the shot. 

"Alright!" Hange clapped her hands and took the items back while Erwin glared at her. 

"Count to 3 and it will be over!"

"Sounds familiar." Jean murmured.

"Hm?" 

"Nothing." 

"Okay, big boy. You first." Hange took Jean's hand and rolled up his sleeve. 

"Be careful, Hange." Erwin said smiling. 

"I know my job, Erwin." 

Erwin let out a laugh and kneeled down to face Eren. 

"I think this will hurt you too, buddy." 

"I think this will hurt the poor girl over here the most." The woman said while putting a bandage on Jean's arm and Mikasa maybe almost smiled a little. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Reminder that this is just a crack fic please don't take any of this seriously!
> 
> P.S. Historia with road rage is my personal headcanon and I cherish it dearly


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Jean finally separate with the help of doctors Erwin and Hange. Special guest: janitor Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the final chapter! Sorry it took so long to update but I had no inspiration on how to finish this story. Also I apologize for making it this short but I suck at writing big multichapter fics. Expect more crackfics like this cause I'll write more (if ever have time).

"Keep it down there, would you?" An angry voice said while knocking on the door.

"Sorry, Levi!" Hange yelled back and an annoyed "tsk" was heard from outside.

"Why the hell are you even so loud f-" The voice, Levi, asked while stepping inside but then stopped when he saw all of them.

"What the fuck is happening?"

"For your information." Hange said while adjusting her glasses. "We're helping these two gentlemen."

Levi shot Eren and Jean a look. What a great first impression they made.

"Boys, this is Levi." Hange introduced. "He's our janitor but he also stays here cleaning all night cause he's a vampire."

Jean nodded and Eren waved his hand.

"Hmmmmghhh."

Levi just stared.

"I'm too old for this." He said while rubbing his temples

"Levi, you're 34." Erwin pointed out.

"I'm too old, it's too late and I'm too tired. Erwin, I'm going home."

"Don't leave without me. I don't have keys."

"I don't give a shit. Go to Hange's."

"Ah come on. Don't be so bitter!" The woman said. "Look at these two. This proves that youth can have fun without drugs!"

"Don't tell me drugs weren't involved in this." Levi said dryly and Mikasa's eyes widened.

"Don't tell me you-"

"We're not on drugs, Mikasa."

"Tell that to the cops." was the last thing Levi said and turned to leave.

"Let's get this over with then, shall we?" Erwin suggested.

Hange leaned in and put her finger inside Eren's mouth.

"I can see where they got tangled. If I just pull this you'll be free. Erwin, can you be sweetheart and pull the gentleman's head back while I do it."

"Wouldn't mind if I did."

Why the hell were these two weirdos enjoying this so much?

"....3.... " Hange started counting down.

"....2.... " Erwin joined.

".... 1!" They both yelled as they pulled Eren and Jean screamed like they might ass well have pulled his dick off.

"Aaaaaaah!" Eren sighed with relief.

"You can put your pants back on now, Jean." Mikasa said

"Oh right."

-  
In the ride back home Mikasa insisted one of them would sit on the front. Jean ended up next to her with Eren passing out in the back seat. Was he tired? Was he still drunk? Was he faking it? Jean didn't know and was too tired himself to care.

"Mikasa, listen." Jean said after minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"What is it?"

She didn't sound too angry. That gave him courage to continue.

"We should have told you sooner. That we, um, that we are together, I mean."

"It doesnt matter now." She said eyes still on the road. "I just..."

"Yeah?"

"I just wish you didn't feel like you had to hide it from me."

".... I'm sorry." He didn't know what to say to that. How could he?

The night was quiet. More like, early in the morning. The sun was starting to rise anyways.

_I might as well pull an all nighter_ , Jean thought.

"Jean, are you scared of me?" The girl asked.

"What? No, no. Well..."

"... I figured."

"I had told Eren a thousand times to tell you. Apparently he's more scared of you. To be fair you would kill me if I told you."

"Did I kill you?"

"No but that's different. Also I don't know what you will do as soon as I exit this car."

"Fair enough."

The rest of the ride was quiet. When they finally got to Jean's house Mikasa pulled over.

"Please go get some sleep."

"Yeah, you too."

Jean's stare landed on the back seat window.

"I'll take him home." She yelled over the sound of the car engine as she started the car. "See you later, Jean."

"Bye, Mikasa."

He watched as the car left and then soon lost out of sight. He stared at the empty street again.

He loved them both so much. Maybe he was over Mikasa now. But he still loved her as a friend. And Eren? Well it took him a while to realise how in love he was with him. But now he knew and he would be damned if he let him go.

They had their differences but Jean knew that if he let that break them apart he'd regret it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked the chapter and the next will be uploaded soon. I think.


End file.
